Corporate School.

Mom got the warning letter today. She turned off the TV and gave me a long talk about how she was dissapointed in me and I needed to get my act together. Jeez, you'd think I was the only kid to ever get a warning letter.

I mean even back when the government ran schools they were sending out warning letters. This is the first warning letter I've gotten all year and my mall-school is notorious for sending out these letter for the slightest transgression.

Dear Mrs. Kaelen,

This letter is regarding the recent behavior of your son Johan. It has come to our attention that Johan has commited the following transgressions and/or exhibited the following tendencies.

1) Tardiness and/or lack of attendance.
Specifically Sears, Home Depot, and the Gap.

2) Dress code transgressions
Specifically a) logo obscuration and b) innapropriate day-wear.

3) Insubordination
Specifically questions and/or discussion intended to complicate or embarass sponsors.

We are concerned about these actions and/or behaviors and the potential impact on your sons future options. Medical / Psychological experts have found these behaviors can be symptomatic of deeper problems as outlined below.

1) Non-Approved drug use
2) Depression / gloom / suicide
3) Problematic home environment

We ask for your assistance in correcting these behavioral issues. Your son has declined all offers of mood balancing drugs, which adds to the seriousness of this warning. We would like to make you aware of the 'Happy Schools' program, which your child is eligible for based on your income. Maintenance levels of Zoloft lite or Ritalin are available free of charge to your son, with additional dosage available based on afterschool work programs. If you are aware of any mitigating circumstance that we should be aware of, please let us know at your earliest convenience.

Sincerely,
Terry Jacoby,
H.R. Contact
Steve Lilywhite Highschool

C.C. Allan Beeson, Pharmacure.
Entered into permanent record Feb 12, 2009

Of course mom blew the whole thing out of proportion and started yelling about how I was going to have to start taking the drugs if I didn't clean up my act and did I want to end up like Aunt Donna? I certainly didn't want to end up like the middle aged woman that smiles all time and can't keep her saliva in her mouth so I said I'd be good and there was no need for a prescription.

So now I'm on probation and I cant be late for anything. I've got to make sure I've got the proper logo's displayed on the proper days and I've got to smile all the fucking time except on goth day, when I'm not allowed to smile at all. I was usually able to slack a bit on goth day before, but now I've got to wear the white pancake makeup and everything, black clothes alone won't cut it for probation. I guess they figure that if I don't get fully into goth day I'll bottle up my teen angst and just freak out in the middle of a customer service lecture.

This totally sucks because the whole thing was a mistake. I thought it was Pepsi day, but when I showed up at school everyone was wearing their Coke stuff and the principle made me go home and change, so I missed my first two classes and was late to my third class at the Gap. Ms. Jameson was in the middle of a shopping lesson and she started ragging on me about my tardiness and lack of consumer work ethic. I told her I thought it was Pepsi day and I guess I shouldn't have mentioned a competitors name on a sponsor day like that.

Anyways I got another four weeks of probation to get through, and as long as I don't show any signs of mental instability or subversion I wont have to take the drugs or get expelled. I can make that - no problem. Coke is it!

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