The 2001 Pontiac Aztek:

Sometimes a name really does suite the car. Take for example, Pontiac’s new Aztec. The name conjures up images of a lost Mexican civilization that just couldn’t quite fit into the modern world. The car is much the same. It’s made in Mexico and has no reason to be part of the modern world.

Since the (must have been high on tequila) design team at Pontiac first launched the Aztek two years ago, automotive journalists from Gnome, Alaska to Tierra del Fuego have searched for words to describe the Aztek. Ugly comes to mind first, strange, different and confused are others. For me, although I can think of several bodily functions that compare to this car, there is not a single English word that sums up the styling cues of the Aztek. The best I can say about the Aztek’s exterior is that once you’ re inside you no longer have to look at it. Suffice to say, the Aztek look is in a class of its own.

Although from the outside, the Aztek looks like an overgrown child’s toy, Inside it’s very claustrophobic. The driver’s seat is fenced in by cup holders, change holders, penholders, and an ashtray the quickly converts into a fifth cup holder should the need arise. The huge circular air-vents are capable blasting hurricane force winds directly into the driver’s eyes. Radio controls are a confused arrangement of huge knobs and tiny dipswitch like buttons. (One unique option angry children should enjoy, the Aztek has separate radio and climate controls for each seat location, even way in the back to dial in tunes searching out the spare tire.) To make driving even more dangerous, Pontiac has added its heads-up display. This allows drivers to see their radio pre-sets superimposed on the road in front of them, rather than the traffic. Overhead, a myriad moulded plastic doors and devices hang like sleeping bats. Attached to the car’s ceiling are sunglass holders, more change holders, a wallet holder, a tissue dispenser and a tackle box. Between the front seats are two consoles; one houses a CD holder, the second doubles as a portable ice cooler (a word to the wise, if you use your car’s consol as a cooler, it soon begins to smell.)

Attached by glue to the rear-view mirror is Onstar, GM’s state of the art satellite communications network. Onstar’s sole purpose is to allow frustrated Aztek owners a way to communicate instantly with the people who cause their frustration. Interestingly, 89% of all Onstar calls are from Aztek owners seeking advice regarding the car’s most unique feature, its rear end canopy. Made of the finest quality simulated Mexican canvass, this covering is designed to clip around the Aztek’s open rear tailgate to form a tent. Apparently Pontiac believes people would all spend more time in the woods if they could spend more time in their cars. With the Onstar’s live two-way voice communication with an expert in Tijuana, it is possible to deploy the Aztek’s tent in under two hours. Once deployed the Aztek resembles a car wearing a dirty diaper. Unlike a real tent, once set up, the Aztek tent effectively converts the mobile car into a stationary campsite. The Aztek cannot be driven with the tent up. Oops, forgot to pack marshmallows for the campfire, get ready to spend the next one hour and 45 minutes packing away the tent before you drive to the store. (And who knows if your campsite will still be available when you return?)

Although the car seats five, the Aztek-tent amazingly can only sleep two uncomfortable adults in the rear cargo area. The Aztek even comes with an inflatable mattress to help ease the pain. Great, just what I want to do on the weekend, sleep in the back of the most repulsive looking production car in the world. Thinking ahead, Pontiac engineers were kind enough to provide a patch kit for the air mattress and a bottle of Tylenol 3’s. But these same design wizards couldn’t come up with a place to stow the tent and mattress other than throwing them loosely into the rear cargo area (which doesn’t leave much stowage room for other camping necessities.)

Rear visibility in the Aztek is very poor. The harshly angled rear hatch window is high off the ground and visibility ends once it rains as water droplets make the outer hatch window a permanent home (no there is not an optional rear wiper.) Lower down forming the bottom of this rear door is a small window that is meant to let you to see what’s directly behind you. This combination of high and low back windows makes adjusting the rear-view mirror a challenge, either you see what’s right at your bumper or you can see (rain permitting) what’s following you. There’s no middle ground.

The Aztek’s traction is provided by all-wheel drive (a note to the off road enthusiast, this doesn’t mean 4 wheel drive.) With all-wheel drive, the Aztek can handle most smoothly paved suburban road surfaces, but the car quickly bogs down in potholes or off road. The Aztek’s chassis and drive train are identical to Pontiac’s popular mini van, the Montana. (Hmm, this begs the question, why not just buy a Montana and take advantage of the extra room and comfort offered in the van. Oh well, thankfully for GM there ’s still one potential Aztek owner born every few minutes.)

The Aztek is a perfect example of GM’s trend toward designing cars from polling data. The car appears to have been born from committees that never compared notes prior to starting production. If you look just at the headlights, they’re not so bad. If you glimpse just the silhouette, perhaps it’s not so ugly. And if you consider the five or six times a century you might wish to transform your car into a tent, maybe this too is not such a bad idea. But somewhere between the committees and the final design, the Aztek evolved into less than the sum of its parts. No right thinking human could have made the multi-million dollar decision to assemble these particular parts into this particular automobile. Trying to please everyone, the Aztek is a complete failure. It’s the AMC Pacer of the 21st century. Pontiac would be well advised to let this Aztek fade into history just like its civilization namesake, the Aztec.

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